Love: Is It A Decision?

This is an email I sent to a client after a session we had about his inability to stop looking at potential mates in only a physical sense. He fell in love with a beautiful woman and was emotionally destroyed in the process. Because he was so enthralled with her body, he never really learned her intentions until he was head over heels in trouble. Unfortunately, this was a pattern for him. I asked him why he decided to love women who were incapable of loving him back. “I didn’t!” he claimed. “You can’t help who you fall in love with!” Here is my advice to him.

Dear Lou,


The thing about love is that it embodies you both spiritually and physically.  Sometimes we forget that there are two parts to being human.  The love you speak about is so intense, and I am sure you are feeling it on both levels, but you have to believe me, you don’t get to that point unless you have made a decision to do so.  As I told you during our session, the love you have felt for certain women-- it didn’t come all at once.  There may have been an immediate physical attraction (which is the physical aspect of you desiring the physical aspect of her) and maybe a soul connection (which can be instantaneous).  But the decision to give both parts of yourself came when the person embodied what you believed was what you wanted.  And that doesn’t necessarily mean that you did it for “positive” reasons.  It could have been a lesson that attracted you or a negative aspect within yourself or her that you needed to heal.  It could have been karmic debt that brought the two of you together.  Maybe her energy made your body sing.  All pulls that are powerful and real.

Lou, you fell in lust, but you didn’t fall in love. When you made the decision to go further than the “fall”, it was because you allowed both parts of yourself to let go and that is when the emotional love began.  For better or worse, you gave her all of you and that is like the union of your two parts coming together for one great mission.  How often does that happen to a person?  Not very often!  There aren’t many things in life that can get us on the same page with our own soul. It’s powerful, scary, and what we are all ultimately seeking.   

Passion (both physical and spiritual) is so incredible it can help people bypass emotional, physical, and mental pain.  It is probably why we so stringently search it out.  Remember when I told you about the “opera man”?  He was the first guy I dated after my divorce, and I fell so in lust with him that my body would literally hum at just the thought of being in his presence.  I knew I wasn’t in love though, and it was at that time I started to research the chemical reaction that relationships create. When I was around him, all my physical ailments disappeared, my mood changed, and I looked so good even my skin was radiant. His was like a drug to me!  My research exposed all kinds of information that linked pheromones, endorphins, and dopamine to lust and love. 

Unfortunately, most people are only chemically connected with one another, believing they are in love because of how they physically feel. Very often it is a person’s look or demeanor and not the soul beneath the surface that is creating the attraction, which is probably the reason for the high divorce rate. Sometimes we don’t even try to find the soul we get so entranced with the physical.  It is as if we close our eyes when our bodies connect so blissfully, thinking, “this feels too good to be bad for me!”  We choose to stay in the dark, or as the saying goes, blind to what may be wrong in a relationship.   

So why am I saying all of this to you?  Because you are on a wonderful, spiritual journey and are starting to leave your physical needs behind.  There is still a part of you that may want to believe in what your body says instead of listening to your inner guide, but that’s okay!  You will let go and when you do, you will see that the spiritual side of love is so much more powerful.  The girl can still be beautiful, but she will have to be the same, both inside and out.  I know a part of you still wants the initial attraction. It is possible that you are afraid to let go because you think you will lose out on the exciting physical aspects (which is all about being human)?  Don’t worry about that!  I promise you; if you find a great girl and then decide to love her for who she is, she will make you swoon no matter what she looks like! 

With this attitude you will attract the great relationship you want, but you will also stop attracting what you don’t want! Recognizing the difference between physical and spiritual love will give you control.  You won’t feel beholden any longer to that enormous bodily pull you experience when you encounter a sexy woman.  Instead you will investigate more before you make the decision to share yourself with her.  When you have this kind of power over your physical self, you will always bring in what is for your good for you, and you will quickly recognize what is not.  This saves a lot of grief.  But I don’t need to remind you since you recently experienced that firsthand. 

When you are ready, we can explore the physical further, but in the meantime, search your heart for what you really want in a woman. I am sure your new list will include much more than a D cup and a pair of long legs. Your inner guide knows exactly what you want, so let go of your human perception of what you think you need, and allow the Universe to bring in the best woman for you.  I’m sending you energy and love! D