When Love Is Not Enough

Excerpted from my new book, “Before You Cheat”

Tim and I were dating when he told me the story of his first wife. He confessed that she was his soul mate, but there was never any passion in their marriage. He blamed her for not “trying” which started the day after he proposed. I asked him why he thought that was so. He avowed, “Because she didn’t need to try anymore. She had me.” I mulled over that statement for a second and thought about his commitment to me. There were times in our relationship that we would fully connect. He would make statements like, “we are together now, right?” and project himself into my future. The very next day, however, his attitude and demeanor would change, and I would sense he was “gone” from the relationship emotionally. There was something about being in love that scared him so much and I always “felt” his fickleness. It made me uncomfortable and sometimes impossible to relax in the relationship. I turned my thoughts back to our conversation and said, “Why do you blame her for not trying? Isn’t it possible that you lost your passion for her as soon as you made the commitment to love her forever?”


There is a clear cut, physical and anatomical answer to why his wife may have lost her “passion”. If he lost his desire for her because of an emotional fear, instinctively and energetically, she could feel it, and that would make love making difficult to say the least. Women have the ability to sense when they are wanted, or more importantly, not wanted by their partner. Since we are smaller and physically weaker, we have been wired genetically to be more in tune with our mating partners intentions. Our bodies sense a potentially “dangerous” (emotionally or physically fearful) situation by inhibiting specific neurotransmitters associated with arousal. Those same neurotransmitters are responsible for releasing the right hormones that allow us to become relaxed, lubricated, and eventually release enough mentally to orgasm physically. If a woman senses for one minute that her partner doesn’t want her, isn’t “into” her body, if he is a threat, or doesn’t want more than just sex, her brain may not allow for her to get turned on. It is as if there is a switch in our heads, and unless we feel comfortable with the guy we are with, it will remain in the “it ain’t happening dude” position until we “feel” otherwise.

It is very possible that Tim’s wife turned off because she sensed that he wasn’t turned on. She was responding to his negative energy and lack of desire for her. To make matters worse, if he had the leading energy in the relationship, she would be following his lead. Her energy may have been strong enough to compensate but she wasn’t capable of using it. Most of us are in so much trouble ourselves emotionally, we can’t help our mate or loved ones out of their own issues once it is attached to our self esteem or fears. By not wanting her, he made her defensive, scared, and worse, controlling. She was so threatened by his lack of lust for her that she was afraid of losing him, and that was propelling her negative behavior in the relationship. Eventually he had an affair and that led to their divorce. There was no lack of love in this relationship, only lack of sexual desire, but that was enough to deteriorate their bond, and the love they had for each other couldn’t stop the downward spiral.