Damaged Goods
I have a friend who describes himself as damaged goods. Every time he says it, I cringe and defy him by saying, “Don’t refer to yourself in that way. It goes right through me!” Most likely, it is not the term, but more the energy he puts with it. He really believes he is damaged and to me that word signifies ‘un-repairable’.
None of us are damaged beyond repair. I guess we could say that painful experiences have changed parts of us, but truthfully, we can change back what is negative to a positive just by making a decision. As soon as you want to get rid of what is not “right” within yourself, a way to repair the “damage” comes in.
Recently, I went through a tough bout with Crohn’s Disease that led to three hospitalizations and two surgeries. I don’t want to sound like I was a perfect patient with a perfect attitude going through the entire process, but part way through, I recognized the gift. Call me crazy, but this disease healed me of things I couldn’t get through a “normal” healing process. Physically, my body may have gotten weaker and I need now to further heal to get back full strength, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I am the best I have ever been.
At some point during the illness, I remember blogging about being so willing to let go. I actually got ridiculed by an anonymous writer for mentioning it. The person was very hard on me pointing out that I need to “Get over it” and intimated that I wasn’t “that sick.” I wondered how Anonymous knew anything about my condition. Did he/she know me? Most likely, it was someone who thought they knew my circumstance and was telling me to get over myself and be the positive manipulator I profess to be. Truthfully, at the time I wrote it, I wasn’t being negative by requesting to leave. I was letting go, but not in a way one might think.
Crohn’s ravaged me and left my body holding half the amount of blood it needed. I became so dehydrated and oxygen deficient, I lost my voice, my fluids, all my energy, and most especially, my will. After dropping 16 pounds in just a few weeks, there wasn’t much left holding up my sagging skin, and I was so white and gaunt, my children were afraid to look at me. I had half of my life at that point, lying in bed, staring out my bedroom window at the trees trying to bloom. I was in so much distress, even watching television hurt my head and ears. I told God, “You can take me if you want. I don’t really have any reason to stay here.”
During the height of the illness, I didn’t understand why I was so willing to let go and more curiously, why I was so calm about it. Then after going into the hospital and getting IV, my mind slowly came back and my body started to revive. Just a week after being filled with oxygen, blood, and electrolytes, I started to understand what I was letting go of. It wasn’t my body and my life here on Earth that I was willing to lose; it was the negativity that created this illness in the first place. It was the old belief systems, the idea of having to sacrifice my life for the “better good”, and the idea that I had to come second after everyone else in the World. Most especially, it was the negative tape recorder I had playing, relentlessly repeating criticisms in my head, and the reason I needed to constantly manipulate out of a negative and very rough past.
Being on a journey, driven, and passionate about my mission to help others, there had to be an omnipotent force used to stop me and it came in the form of an insidious disease. But it was then, while lying totally lifeless, that my life actually started again, and this time without the negativity. It was as if someone pushed the erase button on the tape recorder and out came all that was precluding me from being my most positive self. What I couldn’t heal on my own, was taken care of by something far more powerful, and somehow, I knew this at my worst hour. Looking back, it was what helped me through the long days and even longer nights. The idea of being able to finally let go of any control I thought I had was so wonderful in fact, it blanketed me through the pain, the loneliness, and the fear of an unknown future. I was actually “allowed” to just lay there. I didn’t have anywhere to go and nothing to do. I had the perfect excuse to not call anyone back and to just take care of myself. It was a time of great reflection because I could do nothing else. I was, for the first time in my entire life, not responsible for one thing, except getting better, and that I did.
Let it go” is a phrase one should speak throughout the day, minute to minute if needed. Since the process of releasing negativity comes as soon as you make the decision, why prolong the agony? Often, letting go will generate a quick turn around, but other times, as in my case, it will take a profound event to really knock out what has been implanted possibly since birth. Fortunately, as soon as you decide you want to be the best you can be, your energy transforms, so you are surrounded by positive light the second you resolve to manipulate yourself. Depending on where your negativity is stuck (mind or body) it could take many different forms of therapy for a complete healing, but as soon as you ask for it, the ways to make it happen will come, so be open to it. The most important aspect is to make it your “job” to view all circumstances, negative and positive, as an opportunity to grow, learn, and heal.
When I made my decision long ago to be the best I could be, I expected to go through pain in order to get there. But recently I was more determined than ever, knowing I was getting ready for more public endeavors. I wanted to be authentic. After all, what good is a wellness coach who can’t heal herself? Even though I had done so much work on past traumas, there were still remnants I couldn’t get beyond. With all the therapies, research and soul search I did, I still couldn’t knock out some issues. So I asked of myself and the Universe to have total healing, adding emphatically, “And I am willing to go through any wall of fire necessary to do it!” Little did I know the “wall of fire” I analogized would come in the form of a completely inflamed colon. Talk about being literal…but that is ok! Even during my worst hour of pain, I knew this was my healing. It was as if angels whispered to me, “This is what you need and want. Everything will be alright.”
People will believe that they are ruined from their past experiences living life, but really it is just their view of life that is skewed. I like to think of it as having a pair of sunglasses on. You wear them to protect yourself from the harsh rays, but if they are not clean, or if they are scratched and scuffed, you will not be able to see clearly from them. When you can’t see the beautiful scenery as it is, you shouldn’t blame your eyes, or what you are looking at, but instead just take the damaged glasses off.
When we consider ourselves marred, we need to remember we are perfectly made to be perfectly human. We wouldn’t be able to step foot on the Earth if we weren’t. But when being human gives us a damaged view of the World and ourselves, we need to take those scratched glasses off, eliminate the need to protect ourselves from pain and see what is really there to learn and enjoy. We need to let go of our body and the human aspects and tap into that soul energy that gives us the true and real view of what is happening to us. Yes, this sounds easier than it really is, but the process does start with a choice. With all the negative energy that comes in and out of our lives, the easiest part of our day should be the decision to take off those damn glasses.
My sun glasses are not rose-colored by the way. They are true to life with a little glow effect to make things interesting. I choose to be human (because I am and have no choice!) and allow myself to go through life making human error, but I make it a constant decision to be led by my positive soul energy. I feel so graced to be able to understand this concept, and even more so to be able to share it. More importantly, I am so incredibly grateful for my illness and the opportunity to finally let go of all that has been holding me back. I can’t wait to see what the Universe has in store now.
To those that feel the need to hold onto their past because of fear of going through that wall of fire, I can tell you with all certainty, it is far better on the other side, and it is the greatest gift you can give yourself. If you need a push, just ask these questions: “Why do I believe I know the best way to handle things?” Answer: You don’t. Let it go to the Universe. “Why do I think I am smart enough to find a way out of this situation?” Answer: You aren’t. Let it go to a higher wisdom. “Why do I believe I will never get what I want?” Answer: I don’t know, but let it go. Maybe the powers that be will bring you in even better!
Don’t allow the stress of what you are dealing with to render your body useless in order to heal you. Shed what you can and start now to allow yourself the freedom of having no control. I promise, it’s so worth it.
